Haha...
published at
12:52 PM
with4 Comments
Why do I always feel so detached from the world nowadays? I feel like an outsider. A total geek. Why do I find it so hard to converse easily and smile without feeling fake? To be completely honest, most of the time I feel like my life's ruined. Like my going away so many times has damaged my friendships and my education. It's so hard to describe the absolute feeling of hopelessness. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to run. The only place where I get any kind of quiet is the bathroom. I frequently lock myself in there and cry till my eyes don't look human anymore. I bet no one sees this when they look at me -- what goes on behind the scenes. In school, I can't wait for the holidays. But when they finally come, I wish that school was open 24/7. I get depressed every single time I go out with my family. I'm excited to get out of the house and enjoy myself but then I get to the mall, and all the walls just start closing in on me. I keep thinking of how coming out is useless because I don't have any money, and my dad usually almost always gets pissed at us 'cause he thinks we're the most incompetent family on the face of this earth. It's gotten to the point where I really believe he hates us -- me, especially. In the car, he always talks like he absolutely despises us. It sounds so horrible. It's mindblowing how my life can spiral down so fast, taking all my emotions with it. My mum keeps telling me not to concentrate on the negative things. 'Cause if I do, I'll just be miserable all the time. And that's exactly what's happening to me. I don't think there's ever a day where I don't feel like killing myself or running away. I feel like life is not worth it. Why do we have to go through so much just for one or a few moments of fleeting happiness? It's not worth it! To me, at least. But I know I can't end my life. And I won't, 'cause I'll go to hell. And I don't want that. I'm too scared. I beat myself up all the time because I know there are people out there that make my kind of suffering look like peanuts. I used to tell myself I shouldn't cry because I didn't deserve to. Those people, the ones that are really suffering, they are the ones who deserve to have some relief -- to cry. I felt like that for a long time. At least now I cry and that helps. All of you probably think that I'm suicidal and stupid. That I'm ruled by emotions. It's true, I am and it's not something I like about myself. But, I am most certainly not suicidal. I'm the kind that's too scared to even try and do anything. I hate pain so... yeah. Well, I guess that's enough venting for today. Haha... I guess this will surprise most people who know me. Or think they do.
