The End of the Beginning of the End

I was listening to this song earlier today and I realized it perfectly describes the feeling that I'm feeling now. I'm choking.

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care
It's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And I'm just trying to find some hope to try to hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

Heavily Broken by The Veronicas

It's like a long unattractive rant packaged into a poem that says it all. Even the things you don't want to say.

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye...

Stinky

I guess that confirms it. I've checked by sms and I've checked the website too. They all say the same thing I don't want to believe. On top of all this, my life, my world is falling apart around me. I'm not kidding. It gets worse and worse. Every time I think my life is getting a little better it all crumbles down again. If only, if only we didn't go to hell when we commit suicide. Please, anyone? Help me. Crying doesn't work anymore. I cried last night and felt like crying all day today. Dad's started to clamp down on us again. Depressing lectures in the car, threats to take the computers away, etc. Strife never seems to cease.

Drastic changes that I'm not sure I should tell everyone are about to happen to me and well, my family. It sucks. In so many ways. I keep finding new things to cry about and scare myself with.


Tahniah? They're congratulating me on my death sentence. How rib-tickling. Malaysian National Service is just another way for our extremely corrupted government to pocket money. I hate people. I hate myself. I hate the world. Everything stinks.

posted from my beloved ipt (ipod touch) and all in lowercase just for fun

it's a good night to sleep without aircon. tonight it's so deliciously windy out! i LOVE night air. once you get used to sleeping with two fans blowing straight at you with the window open every night, you'll never look back. yes, even in malaysia it's possible. :)

on a random note, i was recalling how horribly insensitive my childhood dentist was. makes me so grateful for the awesome dentist i go to now. best dentist ever, even though his establishment is quite a way from my house. also grateful that i can actually visit a dentist. i never knew until recently that it costs a bomb. especially when you go with your six-pack family. O.O

wish i had more comfortable clothing i could wear out. recently i wore the shirt i went to sleep in, to school. i just woke up and threw on some pants. it's amazing how much i don't care about how i look in school. wonder why.... oh! it's probably the lack of people i guess. but whatever, i never really have anyone or anyplace to dress for nowadays, except myself.

la di da di da

just watched the movie 'wimbledon' today and liked it. kirsten dunst and paul bettany star. go watchhh. that is, if you haven't already..

hearts,
rach-y

Arsenic and Old Lace

Watching old American movies where the boys and men still wore braces (which are suspenders fyi) and suits and hats and actually knew how to court a woman properly, has made me realize that American movies of today have nothing on the classics. Absolutely NOTHING at all. Movies of today lack reality, personality, and depth. It is so far removed from what life really is about. So incredibly empty. One of the worst things is that Comedy is reduced to guys pulling down their pants and revealing their privates, getting drunk and not remembering what happened last night, making tons of obscene jokes about women, strippers, getting laid, etc. If you think any of that is funny, you should take a good look at yourself and ask yourself WHY. Probably because you've never in your entire life seen GOOD comedy. Or CLEAN comedy for that matter. Pft. I have no idea why people nowadays find so much pleasure in laughing at and mocking things that were never meant to be even remotely funny. The world is sick with sin. And nothing I say on this blog will change any of it sadly.

SO TO THE PEOPLE WHO READ THIS AND ACTUALLY WANT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, DON'T BE REPULSIVE AND LAUGH ABOUT VULGAR THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE LAUGHED AT. EVEN IN THE SMALLEST OF THINGS, YOU CAN DECIDE TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Even if other people consider you a prude and a goody-two-shoes, it isn't worth it. What if you die tomorrow? I keep asking myself that question lately. What if I really do die tomorrow? Would I still be shouting at my mother? Would I still be laughing at sick jokes just because everyone else is? Would I still be so proud?

What would Jesus do? I think we've all long forgotten that famous phrase. WWJD. What would Jesus do? Ask yourself that everytime you don't know what to do. I can't promise you'll be a better person but I can tell you that it'll help. At least a little.

Hah. I bet no one cares. Please care. Please.

p.s.
If you want funny, I'll give you funny. Watch 'Arsenic and Old Lace'. Cary Grant is hilarious in this. Like break-your-back funny. Gosh, he's awesome.

I scratched my head with a pen while my nail polish was drying. Haha.

I guess it's not very Chinese of me, but whatever. I HATE PORRIDGE. I THINK IT'S SICK PEOPLE FOOD. Always reminds me of when I have fever when I eat it. Ugh.

Friends can be so annoying sometimes. Especially when they talk about the same things over and over again. But they're necessary. Without them, you would be well... abnormal. (And I am a hypocrite for complaining as I'm not the most interesting person either.)

Sigh. I could sit at the computer all day looking at things I can't buy. Like absolutely gorgeous designer bags that come in absolutely gorgeous materials. One day I'll get my dream bag. In my dream color and material. I've been obsessed with the Hermès Birkin ever since I laid eyes on it ages ago. I don't know why I like it. I suppose for the same reason it has waiting lists all over the world. It's a classic. And also has a classic price. *bug eyes* At least once in my life I wanna get to hold one if not own one. It comes in a crazily huge range of different colors and materials and also has rare custom-made one-off's. This particular one I like is of the latter I think:

The Hermès Birkin in White Togo and Etoile.

Or not. Don't know for sure. :) I read up on the bag's history here a while ago and found it immensely interesting. It's a work of art, this bag. One of those things you can keep for ages and will never go out of style. You pay for what you get! (sadly this principle doesn't apply to all expensive things)

And ohmygosh, even if you have that much money to splurge on a bag, getting your hands on one is a huge headache. It's crazy. Anyway, that's my dream bag. I would like it in simple, neutral colors like the above but I also wouldn't mind it in black leather or blue. But really, I don't know if I could ever make up my mind.

p.s.(s.t!)

Just painted my nails teal/teal-ish blue? Bah. Don't know the words to accurately describe it. Will post pics if I have the time.

Singing in the rain,

Rach

Shitty.

I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to blow if I don't vent soon. A blog is an outlet. It's a way to show everyone how frustrated, angry, happy, sad or screwed up you are. Kind of amazing. Also kind of self-centered.

My life is really shitty at the moment. Exhibit...

A) house is completely overrun with ants!
B) mum keeps crying everyday
C) really, really, really crappy stupid dumb (not to mention DRY) show & tell topics (can you believe we're still calling it that?)
D) friends with boy problems who only want to talk about themselves

I could go on and on and on.. I need to cry all this out. Haven't cried in quite a while. Also haven't posted lately 'cause I figured my life was nothing to shout about anymore. Humans are so very interesting if not totally disgusting.

Latest obsessions include:

blazers | fashion blogs | yukimi daifuku | whose line is it anyway? | fringe | phil wickham - singalong

Things you may still not know about me:

- i have deep philosophical talks with my siblings frequently (yes, all of them are that intelligent)
- i would like to learn how to make my own clothes & shoes
- i think music gets irritating after you listen to it too much but is absolutely lovely after a long absence
- my ipod touch has now become a very integral part of my life (too integral in fact..)
- i could literally people-watch for hours on end (i like to pick out and name the expensive pieces they're wearing)
- i think fashion is fun

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known." -Chuck Palahniuk

lovelovelove
-Rach

p.s.
Something my pastor said last Sunday really struck a chord in me. Actually a lot of the things he said did but I'm only going to mention the one. "Do not confuse unity with uniformity." It's so profound. Don't complain you can't work with this person or that person. Don't expect everyone to be like you. Embrace diversity. Love that people are different from one another. In the end, everyone does have something unique to bring to the table. Do not confuse unity with uniformity. My pastor really has the best sermons ever. Practical and convicting, just the way I like it.