Therapeutic Typing

I cried so, so hard the other day. The enormity of the whole situation just came down on me and I was rendered helpless. I wasn't going. Again. How many times will I be subject to the tearing down and rebuilding process of my life? Maybe God allowed this because I hadn't learned what I was supposed to the last time it happened. Maybe. Or maybe God is just intentionally screwing with us, as Josh so eloquently put it. But nah. He wouldn't do that. Would he?

I'm turning eighteen. I have to go for NS. I'm not going to Saudi Arabia anymore. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I tried counting my blessings and asking myself to stop crying. But I just kept on weeping and weeping. Gasping for air like I couldn't breathe. I'm fine now, I guess. Rethinking my entire life, again. Unpacking... my entire life, again. Moving furniture back to the same old dusty places, again.

So I've had my crying session and it was partly because I'm about to get my period and partly because something became the last straw that broke the camel's back that day. My family has gone from having high hopes for the future to a precarious situation in which my dad has no job and we have to again scrimp and save money. People will always tell you, "Hey, maybe it's all for the best!" and you nod silently in agreement, when deep down you're thinking, AGAIN? Maybe things will turn out better, AGAIN?! How many times? That's all I really want to know. If only God would tell me how many times this is going to happen. Will I have to go through this process again next year? This year? Five years from now?

Typing can be so therapeutic. Smashing out all your thoughts in some disorganized manner through your fingertips. I don't think I could stand writing all this down. But I suppose that's because I've already been exposed to the luxury of typing out reports, essays and blog posts. So much faster.

I'm slowly regaining my footing. I grow and I learn. I count my blessings;

1) my family
2) food on the table
3) my health
4) my room
5) a home

A lot of people would give anything to have that last one. So I probably shouldn't even make a peep if I still have that. And I do. So here's to counting our blessings, living right and caring about others more than you do yourself. I understand that I'm not the only one who is having a hard time. I can't imagine what my dad's going through- all alone by himself in that strange country, feeling dejected and little hopeless maybe? Why is it we always don't appreciate things till they're all gone? Like your family. The particular bunch of people we always, always take for granted over and over again.

I am struggling to become a better person. Really, really struggling. In case any of you didn't know, that's my personal struggle. Along with walking close to God. My two biggest personal struggles. I want to not care about myself and instead, care for others. So many problems stem from caring for yourself instead of watching out for other people. Self-esteem is crap. Total crap. You shouldn't esteem yourself, you should esteem others. You should live your life not for yourself but for others. Then, and only then, can you say you've truly lived. Everyday I try and strive towards being someone like that. Unfortunately, it so very hard. Pastor Leslie was right. You are the church. You are Christ's bride. You have to live like Christ. Christ did not care about himself. He cared about everyone else but himself. I have to die to myself. Stop caring about me, me, me, me. I'm so incredibly selfish. I have to start caring about you, you, you, you. If you truly loved the person, you wouldn't care if he beat you everyday or abused you verbally, you would still love him. From the bottom of your heart. It hurts of course, when other people don't reciprocate. But it is your lot in life to love. And love unconditionally as Jesus did.

I know this post has no organizational regime whatsoever but meh. I've actually refrained from posting anything since I heard the news. I didn't know what to say. I still don't feel like talking to anyone. And I'm hoping to God that NOBODY asks me ANY questions. I've gone through all that before and I don't want to again. But, I'm supposed to care about others more than myself so I guess you can ask me questions even though I don't want you to.

I've been doing Math nonstop for these past few days, no kidding. As in morning 10:30AM to midnight. Tuition everyday. I feel drained. I feel hopeless. I feel stupid. I hope it's all PMS.

Love,
Rachel

p.s.
On a lighter note, I absolutely heart this picture of Zooey Deschanel (and her dress! I need more dresses. :3). She's been one of my favorite actresses since forever. She was especially hilarious as the cliche quirky best friend of main character in Failure To Launch.