Tempting
published at
8:41 PM
Do you know what it's like to be cooped up in your own house with no friends for six months? I do. You forget how to talk to people normally, you forget how to smile without feeling fake and plastic, your friendships slowly dwindle to sad nothings, you think about killing yourself often, you climb into your bathtub fully clothed and let the shower run, totally drenching yourself while you wallow in self-pity, hugging your knees to your chest and crying. You start to withdraw from your family, growing distant from your parents and siblings. And when your dad scolds you asking if you treat your friends the same way you treat your mother, your instant reaction is to snap back, "I don't have any!" then the tears just come and you can't stop 'em. Well, maybe I'm just the most pathetic person on the face of this earth but that was how I reacted. I felt like dying every single day and that huge balcony was just so tempting. I just want you to know how much going to school means to me. It means there are people who care about me, people who are my friends, people who know my name. People I can go out and have fun with, good people. Thanks to everyone who cares about me enough to read my crap. Haha, here's to you. Cheers.
3 Comments:
Rachy.
I know how you feel. That sounds cliche and what not, but I seriously do know what you feel. I was cooped up for over a year. You know how i am at school right? Loud, noisy, harassing everyone. Last year, I was the direct opposite. I hardly talked to people, including my parents and sister. I forgot how to smile, which is like, hard to imagine now eh? I cried myself to sleep every night, and that overbearing sense of loneliness and feeling that nobody would even cared if you died right there and then because your life felt so small and insignificant. And on top of that, i had a slight eating problem.
That was a rough year. There's no morale to my story. I didn't have anything to hold onto, a buoy to keep my head over the water waiting to drown me. A light shining in the distance. My world was dark and bleak.
But then I came to Vineyard this year. And honest to goodness, I've recovered my normal-ity...and a litte bit more =]
So yeah, wrap up my again, long windedness syndrome. I love you. And i care about you. =]please don't forget that.
hugs great aunty nutty rachy (don't think I'll ever forget that mouthful of a name *grins)
That was EXACTLY, exactly how I felt! And I've actually been cooped up for 2-3 years if you add it all up. I've lost count of how many times I've come back to Vineyard after going away. Lost count of how many times I've gotten to know the people there all over again and feeling like an outsider.
I remember the first time I went away and came back. My friends literally ATTACKED me when I came back and I felt so loved. But after so many times of being away, close friends aren't close anymore. People forget who you are and become distant. Vineyard seems like such a fun and new place to you but it holds many pleasant and unpleasant memories for me. I have so-called been in this school since the beginning, or almost the beginning anyway. I've known the people there for ages and I still remember all the bad and good things that have happened. Sometimes it feels like I don't have any close friends or any people that REALLY care about me.
Thanks for understanding. Personally, I haven't fully recovered MY normal-ity yet so hopefully it'll be soon. (With your help! :P) Love ya too and I won't forget.
P.S.
Yes, I might have a mouthful of a name but you're a handful of a niece! Hahahaha...
T_T...if I left for 2-3 years. Oh wow. I would die. I feel for you, I don't think I could have coped with what you have so far and not be entirely depressed.
No problem. You know I'm here whenever you need me.
P.S - =.=
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