Here's a toast, to you.
published at
5:47 PM
Here it comes- the first ever equation on this blog.
Home = Hell.
Or something close to it. Home sucks. Does anyone wanna trade parents? Haha, now everyone probably thinks I'm the meanest person on earth, the way I treat my family. And I am. A terrible person, to say the least. I think I'm despicable. I don't deserve to live. In spite of that, I just can't stand my parents. (This isn't an understatement. I really do not like my parents.) Everytime my mum starts talking, I wish that she had never been born. The key benefit in that? I wouldn't be here either. No chance of screwing up people's lives and causing them unecessary pain.
Yeah, about that. I've always wondered. How do you live a life with no regrets? 'Cause I have tons. And I really do mean tonnes! I remember each and every one specifically in my head. Most of them are related to how I've affected other people. How I have changed their lives one way or another. I regret all those stupid decisions I made back then that hurt them, caused them pain, and made them suffer. A few of them are really bad. I don't even talk to those people anymore. I wish I still did.
Then, I think about how that applies to my family too. One day, (probably when she's long gone) I will regret shouting at my mother, and I'll regret not obeying my father. I know I will. But right now, it's just so hard. It is so, so, so hard. Especially when you're caged up like an animal with so many rules, you can't even keep track of them all!
I guess it is helping me in one way though. I pray more! Wanna know why? 'Cause I need help all the time. Whenever I pray, it's always for help in some kind of trouble.
Sigh.
I'm just evil.
Below is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.
"Here's a toast, to you. May your life be far less complicated than mine." -The Parent Trap (1998)
Home = Hell.
Or something close to it. Home sucks. Does anyone wanna trade parents? Haha, now everyone probably thinks I'm the meanest person on earth, the way I treat my family. And I am. A terrible person, to say the least. I think I'm despicable. I don't deserve to live. In spite of that, I just can't stand my parents. (This isn't an understatement. I really do not like my parents.) Everytime my mum starts talking, I wish that she had never been born. The key benefit in that? I wouldn't be here either. No chance of screwing up people's lives and causing them unecessary pain.
Yeah, about that. I've always wondered. How do you live a life with no regrets? 'Cause I have tons. And I really do mean tonnes! I remember each and every one specifically in my head. Most of them are related to how I've affected other people. How I have changed their lives one way or another. I regret all those stupid decisions I made back then that hurt them, caused them pain, and made them suffer. A few of them are really bad. I don't even talk to those people anymore. I wish I still did.
Then, I think about how that applies to my family too. One day, (probably when she's long gone) I will regret shouting at my mother, and I'll regret not obeying my father. I know I will. But right now, it's just so hard. It is so, so, so hard. Especially when you're caged up like an animal with so many rules, you can't even keep track of them all!I guess it is helping me in one way though. I pray more! Wanna know why? 'Cause I need help all the time. Whenever I pray, it's always for help in some kind of trouble.
Sigh.
I'm just evil.
Below is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.
"Here's a toast, to you. May your life be far less complicated than mine." -The Parent Trap (1998)
7 Comments:
Rachy! I don't know whether you want here anything from anyone right now, but what the heck, that's what friends are for- to stick with you even though you're not in the mood for peanut butter and jam sandwich.
I may not absolutely understand how it's like to be you- to see and go through the things you have to put up with every day. I guess you could say that we're wearing different pairs of shoes. I wish I could say I totally understand, but I'm not cheap with words.
But I honestly do get how you're feeling because I have had my own fair share of having to look at it in the eye. But that's not the difficult part. The difficult part is dealing with it while it pays an unwelcomed visit to you.
I felt as if I was either getting hurt or hurting others around me by just being here. Often times I felt they were all better off never knowing me as much as I was better off not even existing. Who said I wanted a life anyway?
Funny I should be saying all this. I mean, I'm still having times of emotional instability of my own. Every time I come out of one, I still know at the back of my mind that another one is waiting for me.
I, too, have my regrets. Secret regrets, because they're so shameful. I can barely keep my head up whenever I recall them in my mind. Sometimes thinking of them sends me drowning in depression. Not awesome.
Okay, enough about myself, but my point is that you're not alone in all this no matter how much you feel like it. I can relate in my own way. And as promised, He is always there for you when you need him least or most. Always.
So you pray to God more because you're having problems? That's great. At least you're talking to Him. Whenever you do that, just imagine how the loading bar in your life increases little by little. How much just depends on how well the connection is. Haha.
Rach, I'm not saying all this for the sake of it. I mean every word and I also mean it when I say that no matter what happens there is hope. Okay. I sound freaking cheesy. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND LET YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! That random message meant to be ignored at the moment was brought to you by Disney.
Ah! Anyway, hold on to Him and don't let go. There is hope in everything as long as you have Him. Don't listen to the enemy when he tries to tell you otherwise, okay? Going through bad times means changing to be a better person.
I understand that enduring is easier said than done, but...it's not impossible. Sigh. Growing pains suck, but it keeps us from having an even more painful life in the future thanks to all the learning material now.
Crap. I could just go on all night. I think I should close this post now. I guess not everything has to be said on one page. If you read all the way here then it means that you get to be reminded that I love you and I'm not the only one!
Most of all, He loves you no matter how much you feel he shouldn't. There's nothing you can do that can change His mind about it. He loves you. Hugs.
Nooo! I just posted the previous comment and spotted my spelling and grammatical errors! =_= Curse.
Life may not seem fair sometimes but life is precious. Here's a toast ... to a better tomorrow!
wow leri..........
you have time to read blogs and give people a thousand word essays for advice... LOl... sorry rach... i'm hear to comment ... but then lerida was here first... NO SPACE FOR MY THOUGHTS :P!!!
haha... a penny for ur thoughts and a dollar for ur insight... OH a fortune for your disaster... - Fall Out Boy-
OH BTW... talk soon ok? :)
i got carried away, jer! anyway, come to think of it, my comment is longer than her post. whoo. i rock.
That was a long comment even my eyes couldn't handle. Haha!
Rachy, hang in there girl. My parents lay a whole lot of rules for me too. My friends would know that, but your time will come.
Till then, sit tight, hang in there, and bum around. Take care. = )
awww rach.
I seriously don't know waht to say to comfort you because i have never known anything like it. More like, the total opposite - to the point where sometimes, my parents are just like, don't bother about her, she'll be fine. COme on la, they shipped me off to a foreign country all by myself.
but i disgress.
The most used and heard thing you probably hear after you get on this subject abotu ur home is "it's becuase they love you so, they want to protect you."
Even though they tend to go a little overboard, at least they still do.
It doesnt mean ur a terrible person becuase you resent them for it. It just means ur human.
We've all made mistakes, and done stuff to other people that we wish to take back, and hated ourselves for it. But don't kick yourself too much about it rach. Cos we all do it. That doesn't make it excusable, but the fact that you're regretting it means that you're not such a terrible person.
If you weren't born, you wouldnt have made an impact on anyone else's life either. For the better. Even though I've known you for quite a short period of time, I love you rach. I seriosly do think you're an awesome person - no more worse than any other person despite your "home" problems - and well rachy, yeah.
Everthing will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then its not yet the end.
Just hang in there rachy. I'm always here if you need me. And seriously, try forgiving yourself once in a while. =]
Love you.
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