Haha...
published at
12:52 PM
Why do I always feel so detached from the world nowadays? I feel like an outsider. A total geek. Why do I find it so hard to converse easily and smile without feeling fake? To be completely honest, most of the time I feel like my life's ruined. Like my going away so many times has damaged my friendships and my education. It's so hard to describe the absolute feeling of hopelessness. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to run. The only place where I get any kind of quiet is the bathroom. I frequently lock myself in there and cry till my eyes don't look human anymore. I bet no one sees this when they look at me -- what goes on behind the scenes. In school, I can't wait for the holidays. But when they finally come, I wish that school was open 24/7. I get depressed every single time I go out with my family. I'm excited to get out of the house and enjoy myself but then I get to the mall, and all the walls just start closing in on me. I keep thinking of how coming out is useless because I don't have any money, and my dad usually almost always gets pissed at us 'cause he thinks we're the most incompetent family on the face of this earth. It's gotten to the point where I really believe he hates us -- me, especially. In the car, he always talks like he absolutely despises us. It sounds so horrible. It's mindblowing how my life can spiral down so fast, taking all my emotions with it. My mum keeps telling me not to concentrate on the negative things. 'Cause if I do, I'll just be miserable all the time. And that's exactly what's happening to me. I don't think there's ever a day where I don't feel like killing myself or running away. I feel like life is not worth it. Why do we have to go through so much just for one or a few moments of fleeting happiness? It's not worth it! To me, at least. But I know I can't end my life. And I won't, 'cause I'll go to hell. And I don't want that. I'm too scared. I beat myself up all the time because I know there are people out there that make my kind of suffering look like peanuts. I used to tell myself I shouldn't cry because I didn't deserve to. Those people, the ones that are really suffering, they are the ones who deserve to have some relief -- to cry. I felt like that for a long time. At least now I cry and that helps. All of you probably think that I'm suicidal and stupid. That I'm ruled by emotions. It's true, I am and it's not something I like about myself. But, I am most certainly not suicidal. I'm the kind that's too scared to even try and do anything. I hate pain so... yeah. Well, I guess that's enough venting for today. Haha... I guess this will surprise most people who know me. Or think they do.
4 Comments:
While I can't say, "I completely understand what you're going through", it might be safe to say that I understand it to a certain extent.
I used to beat up myself a lot too, and tell myself what I sucky life I had. Thinking of more unfortunate people didn't work for me.
But slowly, I started to realize - I've just got to accept that I've "got a sucky life," and if there's anybody that's going to change that, it's me.
Life sucks, and I'm sure it's even worse with a father "who despises me", and I'm sure it's hard to put on a real smile. But that's when we have to realize that life won't stop being sucky until we tell it to.
For me, I just try to focus on my studies, while keeping the end in mind (it helps me a lot). That, and I just try to have fun!
When I write all this, I'm just trying to tell a story, and don't mean to be telling you what to do.
But anyway, try to make the best of the situation- bully your brothers when you're sad, bully them when you're happy, and bully then when you're angry! xD
I hope you get to escape your spiral of despair~ I'll be here to support you >:]
Stay happy, and say no to (butt)crack!
In spite of myself, you had me smiling at the end. =) Thanks a lot for the meaningful comment. I hardly get this kind of thing. I think most of the people I know would never understand because they have the good life -- so sheltered and safeguarded. No offense to anyone! They get to buy books and clothes and things they don't need. I, on the other hand, spend every waking moment of my time worrying about whether I just wasted money on something frivolous or unnecessary. The lack of money has changed me. A LOT. But thanks for everything. I somehow knew that you, of all people, would understand at least a fraction or more of what I'm going through, and at the same time make me laugh about it. Haha! Thanks. And no, I won't do crack nor will I ever have a BUTT crack. LOL... ;O)
i really don't know how to express myself without feeling conscious that someone would feel skeptic about my sincerity after reading this.
you know what? who cares?
rach, i am so sorry that i haven't been able to be there for you as a friend. i mean, i don't expect you to regard me as someone special enough to come and tell me all your troubles. but i wish i had at least had a status of availability to be there for you. and if i had a choice, i would always have been.
as cliche as this paragraph may seem, you do mean a lot to me even though i haven't let you know that these days. i really have been missing you badly and although not as much as you have already come home, i still do. haha. i'm sorry for not letting you know earlier. but well...i hope you do now.
wait, well, there is this post on february 28, 2008 that i wrote...it has a very strong relevance to you. i mean, i mentioned how much i missed you and was feeling glad you were finally back...stuff like that. so you can read it if you're interested.
if only life threw us real lemons, huh? haha. then we could pick them up and throw it back at life. then again, that might not be such a good idea after all. haha! but that's a thought.
when life gets tough, i've learned how to ask God, "what is it this time?" as in, what is He trying to teach me? and as hard as it may be at first, i really have to open my heart to His lesson in the end.
i assure you rach, as beautiful as you are now...the things you are going through (as ugly and worst as they get now) will make you a better person as long as you let yourself.
okay, i think what i said isn't too difficult to digest. i mean, i hope i don't come across as speaking gibberish (man, that'd suck pits). haha. God bless.
love you.
Your writing can never be gibberish! You're much better than me at it anyways. :) I've actually already read that February post and I wanted to thank you for it 'cause it was so sweet! (I kept forgetting to do so.) I understand what you're saying and most of it is true -- about God and everything. Anyway, thanks so much for being my friend! It was so hard you know, in Labuan, the feeling of being alone -- like I didn't have anyone. My dad would scold me for talking back to my mum and say, "Why are you always so rude? Do you talk to your friends like this?" Haha, and I just completely lost it one day and instantly snapped back, "I don't have any!" (Meaning, I have no friends.) Then I went to the kitchen and the tears just starting coming and I couldn't stop 'em. But now it's better 'cause I get to see you, then I get to see everyone at school everyday and everything's just so much better. I learned to appreciate the times when life is a little better 'cause it means it's not as bad as it used to be. :) I don't think I'm making any sense here. Am I? LOL~ I should stop now. Just two more things -- sorry for replying this so late 'cause I don't really have internet and I JUST read it, plus THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE BANANA FRITTERS AND THE ACCOMPANYING LETTER. Love ya and miss ya, too!
P.S.
I heard that you're coming back to school soon and I hope that's true 'cause I'd be so happyyyy! Haha.. I'm overexcited. And high. I have to go eat dinner now. XP BYE!
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